Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Warning: scenes of radical renovating!

Image Google/LIFE

OK the Operating Team's ready, however the following Disclaimer should be read before we proceed:

Nothing you presently have in your house could look as bad as this, so if scenes of graphic renovating upset you, look away now! The Hedge will not be responsible for any adverse reactions experienced by either current or future Hedgies on viewing this post including the sight of MOTH's exposed upper thighs via a pair of torn & tatty work shorts.

Pre-Operative notes:

  • Just a tiny 1.7m. wide x 3.1m long & with a bizarre sloping ceiling (so 1972!), we will have to use all of our skills & creativity to help this Main Bathroom patient. However, Dr. MOTH's done it before with similar cases, so the nursing staff trust him. He's talking lowered ceiling, bulkheads, heated floor, cantilevered bench, frameless double shower, loads of storage, concealed cistern & best of all abundant natural LIGHT, which is something this patient's never experienced! And all between running his business (oops, practice) & working 60 hrs. a week on other people's patients!
  • The other surgical challenge is the high-set window covered externally by a very odd & quite bizarre grid of bricks which let a sliver of light in on alternate Tuesdays at 10.23 a.m. Dr. MOTH will attempt to remove both the bricks & the window to see what's going on underneath & attempt immediate illumination of the patient. See pre-operative view below.

Intra-Operative record between the Chief Surgeon Dr. MOTH & Scrub Nurse Millie:

Dr. MOTH begins the lengthy 'operation'. NB. He's using his unique 'totally septic' technique of no scrubs, gloves or mask. The Royal Australasian College of Surgeons does not endorse this method, but Dr. MOTH has always considered himself a bit of a rogue operator!

Where's the Theatre Technician, we'll need better lights than these couple of dodgy old fluoro's.

OK, on proceeding I can see the problem Nurse Millie, but there's a lot of nasty stuff to remove first, prepare the shovel & barrow please.

Oh dear Nurse Millie, this is worse than when we first saw the patient 3 years ago at the Open House Clinic. I'll need to perform far more in-depth surgery, prepare the heavy-duty instruments immediately.

I still need more light Nurse Millie, I'll have to take radical action & remove the window stat! The patient's also losing a lot of dust, turn up the extractor fans quickly!

Aaah, that's better Dr. MOTH! Now, would you like me to place the patient on bypass so that you can begin to use the jack-hammer on its floor? Oh & did you want me to get a pathology report on that big white enamel thing you've just excised? The patient was complaining that it hasn't been functioning since 1985.

No need to send a specimen to the Lab. Nurse Millie, it looks pretty innocent, so it can be disposed of immediately via Nurse Suzie who wants it to wash her dogs in! And yes, that jack-hammer's done the trick, but this patient really requires further major surgery, you'd better inform Drs. Plumber & Electrician to remain on stand-by.

Drs. Plumber & Electrician are aware Dr. MOTH, they've postponed all their other operating lists to assist you with this patient.

OK Nurse Millie, tell the Drs. we'll be a while still, I've checked the films again & I think I'll need to drop this patient's ceiling before we proceed with the cosmetic reconstructive work. You can also stand-down Dr. Tiler, I'll be attempting the work myself. You'd also better let ICU know to prepare to receive this critically-ill patient & that assisted-ventilation has been commenced. Once they're stabilized, I'll place them on my next operating list for a Stage 2 ceiling procedure.

And yes Nurse Millie, I know that external renovations haven't been commenced yet, although you should be grateful that the boys (oops, Registrars!) & I removed that terrible self-sown palm tree shown in the pre-operative images. Please ensure the Medicare paperwork for their Assistant's fee of a slab of Coopers Pale Ale each is submitted today. I'll get to that horrid green paint as soon as I can, but do remember it's non-urgent & so has been placed on my elective list. And yes, I also know you can see the open excision high up on the exterior wall, but I'll be very careful when I close the patient to ensure it looks perfect. I don't want to have to front up to the next Morbidity & Mortality Review of which you currently chair for a Please Explain!

Post-Operative note:

Dr. MOTH & Nurse Millie will be sharing the tiny un-renovated En-Suite bathroom for the foreseeable future. As this will well & truly test their relationship, wish them the best of luck!

LATE NOTE: As all 6'6''/110kg. of MOTH was having a shower in the above teeny-tiny En-Suite this morning, I heard an huge crash followed by an almighty yell. Rushing in I found him standing naked in the shower alcove surrounded by most of the tiles from one entire wall in pieces at his feet. Looking somewhat sheepish, he told me that he'd noticed one of the tiles seemed a bit wonky & on further inspection as he lathered up, he attempted to straighten the offending tile, but in the process set off a chain reaction similiar to those record-breaking falling domino extravaganzas! If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny. Hand me the brandy bottle quickly.


  1. You are sooo funny Millie! fantastic post, so creative!
    I see your poor bathroom will be in re-habilitation for some time to come. If it all becomes too much sharing the ensuite with MOTH, you could always contact Ronald mcDonald House, I know they have great places for people to stay whilst they have family members unwell in hospital...
    It's amazing how once you stripped it all back, the photos gave this amazing sense of calm - just bare bricks, sunlight and concrete floor...gorgeous

  2. Great post. I can't wait to see it when it's done. I could use Dr Moth's surgical skills at my house.

  3. Best of luck Dr. Moth and Nurse Millie, for getting through this renovation job.

    It can be hard work, dusty and noisy but you always need to look at the final picture.
    It will be fabulous.


  4. Millie~ I'll have to write something later- I am in stitches reading this- very funny. Be sure to print this out and keep it!

  5. HEE! I love how you wrote this, Millie, it's fabulous!
    That's quite the undertaking!! I think it looks great with the brick walls and concrete floor!
    I can't wait to see how this goes!
    xo Isa

  6. OH Millie! This is the best laurel hedge post yet - fits of laughter at my desk at lunch time, which is simply not allowed, after all, i do work in an accounting office!

    Fabulous recount of the beginning of the bathroom renovations, can't wait for more.....

    And the debacle with the shower tiles in the ensuite at the end? Priceless - an oscar winning script writer couldn't have done it better!!!

    (actually, I thought of MOTH on the weekend - I was painting and managed to knock over a tin of paint on my 100% wool sisal carpet which is the love of my life (and so it should be after how much I paid for it...) - thankfully for me Porter's Paints undercoat is thicker than whipped cream so the carpet was spared, but I could only imagine the scene you described some time ago when you had your paint 'incident'. xx

  7. OMG !!! What a HUGE project! I love the commentary!

  8. I'm so glad MOTH knows what he is doing. My Beefcake/Mortician on the other hand is more knowledgeable at mortician stuff, mowing lawns and building computers, yet we have done our share or remodeling and after we made it through our dating years and renovating our living room, I decided that we could survive marriage. You are so funny. Love ya, Heidi

  9. Keep it coming Millie - there is nothing as seductive as progress!
    PS I showed MR FF your comment about ironing the linens - he really laughed - as if I could drag him away from the telephone long enough to heat up the iron!!

  10. Ooh la la! Best of luck with your renovations! Still, you will feel sooo fabulous and proud when it's finished!

  11. Very funny Millie! I know it will be fabulous when it is done!

  12. I cannot wait to read the next episode in the bathroom series! Its always exciting to see so much progress.
    Amanda x

  13. MOTH is obviously a surgeon extraordinaire! I'd have him operate on my bathroom any time.

    After the unfortunate tile collapse in the ensuite I really don't think you should look at the bathrooms posted on Velvet & Linen today - you'd probably want to cry. But, it does sound like your bathroom will look absolutely beautiful by the time MOTH's finished. Take a good swig of the brandy!

  14. I hope poor MOTH survived the tile avalanche unscathed!
    Good luck with the bathroom sharing, hope the renovation is all over very soon.
    By the way, I was speaking to the College of Surgeons just today!

  15. Funny post!! Oh my, where to begin... with the surgical procedure or the tiles falling off the wall.... ?!
    Great progress! Moth is lucky to have such a capable nurse! Yes, I do think a brandy is in order!! Can't wait to see what's next! j.

    p.s. please tell Moth we would like to see more leg next time!!

  16. yay! demolition, you know how i love it! he he he.

  17. Laughing so hard, almost peed my pants!


  18. Oooooh my he is tearing everything apart... think of the end results... chin up!

  19. I don't mean to laugh at MOTH's pain, but that tile story is hysterical!
    Renovations are always hard and even harder when you are doing them yourself. I know that things look like a mess right now, but I have found that these things are like child birth. You forget all of the nausea and pain when you are looking at your new little baby or in your case, bathroom.

    Can't wait to hear how the weekend went.



And none will hear the postman's knock
Without a quickening of the heart.
For who can bear to feel himself forgotten?
~W.H. Auden

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